The Question: A close friend has been struggling with his/her marriage for the majority of the time s/he has been married. You’ve been there to hear about it all; the many bad times and the few good times. Your friend has decided s/he must make a change. S/he asks you point-blank what s/he should do. What do you say?
My 2 Cents: This is a question I can answer with first-hand knowledge, I’m sad to say.
Several years ago, I got in the middle of the marriage of my friend and her husband. He was really doing her so badly, and I begged her and begged her to leave him. Finally, when he was deployed and she found letters he’d written to other women, she took my advice and left him. She came to live with me.
When she was on her way, I called my mother and told her the great news. My mother didn’t think the news was so great. She said to me, “Faydra, do not ever meddle in married-people’s business. You have no idea what’s really going on in anyone’s marriage. I hope you don’t regret this.” I brushed her comments off, because I was just happy my girl was dumping that loser.
When she got there, we did OK for a couple of months, and then it was downhill from there. She didn’t come alone. She came with two, small children, and we were all living together in a studio apartment in the slums of Washington, DC. I was in college full-time and working three part-time jobs.
Let me throw this in right at this point: When you’re single, never been married, have no children and have only had to think about yourself, you develop a certain level of selfish, self-centered thinking when it comes to your space and your place. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s a different dynamic than when you’re someone’s wife and mother and you have to be selfless.
Long story, short: After some back and forth exchanges through notes, I changed the locks on my door, and put all her things out in the hall while she was at work and her children were at school. Then for a week I went to stay with the family for whom I babysat to make sure she and all her stuff would be gone when I got back to my place.
We didn’t talk for years over that. Years. Long years. She wasn’t just a friend. She was my best friend.
When we both moved back to the town where we’d grown up, she gave me an opportunity to ask her forgiveness. Let me tell you how it happened:
I heard from someone else that she was back in town, so I called her parents’ home and asked to speak to her. When she got on the phone, she greeted me like I’d never been the totally selfish, self-centered person who put her and her small children out on the street in DC with nowhere to go.
I timidly asked, “Can I come see you and my godchildren?” Yes, I am godmother to her two oldest children.
“Sure,” she said, like it was the dumbest question anyone had asked her in forever.
I went over, hugged and talked with her, caught up with her parents, to whom I hadn’t spoken since I’d done such an awful thing to their daughter and grands, and her husband was there, too. Yes. She went back to him when he came back from being deployed.
One day, we were out having lunch, just chatting about anything and everything. After some silence, she said, “It took me a long time to forgive you for what you did. I figured if I could forgive my husband for all he did, I had to forgive you. I don’t want to talk about it ever again. We are past it. I love you.”
You know how your nose starts burning when you’re about to burst into tears? My nose was on fire. I had to take a long, deep breath to keep from exploding in tears right in the restaurant. After she allowed me to collect myself, my best friend started a new subject, and we moved on.
By the by, it wasn’t until after 14 years of marriage that she actually did finally leave her husband, but she left when she was ready to leave and not when I, her parents, my parents, her sister, her aunts, uncles and cousins and anyone else was ready for her to go.
To answer the question at hand, I wouldn’t offer any advice to a friend who asks me what s/he should do about his/her marriage. I’d tell him/her to pray on it. I’d let him/her know I’m there if/when s/he makes a decision, but I won’t speak one way or the other on his/her marriage.
Again, thank God for forgiveness and reconciliation.
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Take a few moments to check out the tweets from Twitter on this subject:
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dryskywater it sounds like a set-up. i wouldn’t allow myself to be scapegoated, but I may point out that posing the question says a lot.
chela816 I sum up pros & cons succinctly for the person and reason out to logical end. But I NEVER make the decision for anyone.
shargrove I’d tell him/her that it all that really matters is want she thinks is best& she already knows what’s best-just do it
BLKMGK I’d tell her to do what her heart really wants to do.
tclarkusa I’d tell my friend to go w/ their heart & let ‘em know I’m there no matter what decision they make.
md20737 I would give her or him thier options and tell them to weigh the benefits. & leave it alone.
JoshDamage tell her opinion in a non confrontational tone. I wudnt want her to start defending him. Then you just hope for the best.
Mo_Rease I would tell that friend that in the end, that’s their final decision to make. I can only support them.
Fem_Pru “Go to couselling.” (Then change the subject)
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Also, check out the responses from Gather.com
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L.L.: You aren’t happy. Start a new life.
T.C.: Instead of giving him the option of changing, she should make a big change. Leaving is hard but chances are it won’t get any better. It takes soul to leave…why is she still there?
D.A.: asking her or him what do he/she really wanna do… and then what she/he really need… the point is in what he/she need.. from that she/he can start to make a move
R.A.: Here’s a piece of wisdom. Tell the friend to pray about it, and follow her spirit.
T.W.: most definitely pray about it
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The commentary doesn’t have to end!
Please feel free to continue to add your comments below.
My Question of the Day: You ask a group of people to give you advice on how to handle a very grown-up issue. The best and sound advice comes from an 11-year-old who is in the group with his/her parent(s). Would the age of the responder determine whether you gave the advice serious thought?
