My Question of the Day for 22 July 2010 – UPDATED
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My Question of the Day: Agatha, a stay-at-home mom, who devoted 20 years of her life as a military spouse until her husband retired a year ago, lives on the East Coast with her husband and children, loves her life and is smack, dab in the middle of the most comfortable routine that her life has had in years. She’s settled, has friends to hang out with and just loves not having to pack up and move to another of her husband’s duty stations after two or three years. She has also seen how the permanency of being in one place has settled her children, and they are thriving.
One day while planning her weekend, her husband, Edward, tells her he needs to talk with her about something very important. Edward goes on to explain how his parents are not doing very well on their own and he’s concerned for their safety. They live on the West Coast, so it takes a long time to get to them if something happens.
Agatha loves her in-laws, so she tells Edward that she’d be happy to have Edward’s parents move in with them. However, that’s not what Edward has in mind. He goes on to tell Agatha that the plan is for them to sell their home and re-establish themselves on the West Coast near his parents. Since they’re older and fragile, and need to be near the doctors and places they trust, Edward couldn’t convince his parents to move to the East Coast.
Edward tells Agatha that the final decision rests with her. He acknowledges all the sacrifices she made during his military career, and he also acknowledges that he knows she and their children have been very happy staying put and growing roots in their current community. He tells Agatha that she can decide whether they stay or go.
What should Agatha do?
My 2 Cents: Uh, no. There’s no way, if I were Agatha, that I’d let my husband put me in this position. He wouldn’t be going to my children telling them that it was my decision to move, and he wouldn’t be going to his parents telling them that it was my decision that they not move.
I’d tell him that as the man of the house, who for the last 20 years decided where we lived and when we moved, this is also his decision. I’d let him know I’d respect his choice, and support him 100% but I would not allow him to put me in this trick bag, especially if I never had a choice in all the previous moves.
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They should stay put. His wife and children should come first. He should set aside money to hop on a last minute flight if need be but the children should not be uprooted across the country.
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LikeDislikeThe decision rests with Agatha, huh? Yeah, I can see that one turning out well. Sounds like hubby is looking for an “out” with his parents: “Well, mom, dad, Agatha doesn’t want to move again, soooo, you’re on your own. Sorry!” And if the parents die and he’s not there, he can heap the guilt on her: “See, I told you we should have moved! But noooo, you didn’t wanna!”
Yeah, Agatha needs to call hubby on his BS, and then they need to decide TOGETHER what the best course of action is.
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LikeDislikeI don’t think uprooting Agatha and the children is the answer. The best options seem to be:
1. Move Edward’s parents to the East Coast. (And Agatha was generous enough to be agreeable to having them actually moving in.) There are good doctors there too, and they will be near the family.
2. Move Edward’s parents into an assisted-living facility on the West Coast.
3. Leave Edward’s parents right where they are, with possibly a home attendant.
The fact that his parents are adamant about staying on the West Coast when *they’re* the ones who need help shows that they are either selfish or not as needy as Edward seems to think. If it’s the former, they are taking advantage of the situation; if it’s the latter, they don’t really need the family to move out west.
Children need roots and stability (and it sounds like Agatha needs some also). It doesn’t make sense to uproot an entire family to a place they may or may not even like. It’s not like Agatha doesn’t care about her in-laws. But there are options that don’t involve throwing the whole family’s lives into disarray yet again. Balancing the needs of the children and the family as a whole against the needs of Edward’s parents, it’s clear that there are several ways to help the in-laws without sacrificing the rest of the family’s well-being and peace of mind.
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LikeDislikeare ANY of you married?
according to the Bible, this woman and her husband are family to each other first. Matthew 19:5 & 6 says: For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”
I got a newsflash, for ALL of you who think otherwise: NO FAMILY MEMBER comes before your mate. Not your momma and her problems. Not your daddy and his issues. Not whatever they’re going through together. And * surprise!* not your children. That mate is the one who makes your union a marriage — not any of those other individuals. PERIOD.
family is one thing, but marriage is something else. his parents have their marriage to deal with, and certainly their eldercare could turn into a family issue if they become incapacitated — but they’re not! they’re lucid enough to call the shots! Even so — God knows an assisted living facility with round the clock medical care, etc would be better for them than the spare bedroom in the back and a house full of grandkids. someone is thinking with their feelings here — and it’s not her.
this whole “you decide” stance is clearly a guilt-laden passive aggressive power move on his part. i would certainly pray first. and then i would call him on his BS, stat. i would remind him that he’s married to me, not his parents. (i would show him where it says that in the Bible, if I had to.) and we would stay put.
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LikeDislikeI’ve moved around a lot in my own life, and I’ve NEVER been in the military or a kid of a military person…count’em 14 TIMES!!! (And that’s ONLY in 2 different cities within the SAME state.) Now that I’m living where I am, I can’t conceive of moving again…even to put myself in a better career-getting position, or financial position; I’m just THAT much against moving again. Also, my ex-husband’s mom has ALWAYS lived only blocks from us for the whole 7yrs I was married to him, and still she only lives within 5blocks from me now. Lastly, my own mother moved away to another state only 4yrs ago. This month she passed away in Arizona and I drove way out there from Texas (THE WHOLE STATE!) to be with her and make final decisions and whatever. That was really hard to do.
Saying all that, I don’t know what I would consider in Agatha’s case. I wouldn’t want my husband to have to be so far from his parents, but then I wouldn’t want to have to uproot my kids again either.
(Of course, it’s only been two yrs, they’re used to moving around.) I still don’t know what I would do. I’d think about it a lot and pray on it even more. I’d go with whatever decision God laid on me.
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LikeDislikeI say put the children’s lives first and stay put. Parents are important, but I think they should come up with a more agreeable solution. I would never disrupt my children to move so far. As a matter of fact, I would love ot move from MS (selfish reasons) but I am staying put so my kids can get through school. Believe me it’s all for them, because I hate it here! I just know I can afford this house and life and the school is top notch, so I put my KIDS first always!
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LikeDislikeAgatha should Move West with her Husband. Why wouldn’t she? She is HIS helpmate, his wife and it is her duty to Stand by Her Husband.
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LikeDislikeWe don’t know the ages of the children – if it were me I’d have to put some thought and prayer into it.
Put aside Edward’s parents for just a moment, Agatha still has to protect her children if they are minors.
Now back to Edward’s parents – if their protest against moving is their comfort with the neighborhood, doctors and surroundings, perhaps Edward should look into hiring a caretaker to check in on them and make regular visits, bringing Agatha and the children every so often.
Unless there is an urgent reason to make the financial and emotional sacrifice, Edward and Agatha can take the time to examine the situation before moving.
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LikeDislikeAnd that my lovelies is how I ended up here. Not my question but a similar situation. My hubby and I were loving life in Cali but after his father passed, he really wanted to be closer to his aging mother. I didn’t know anyone here. I had only visited a couple of times but I understood. The decision shouldn’t rest solely on Agatha as a move like this affects the entire family. Her hubby should welcome her input and together they should make a decision that’s best for the family.
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LikeDislikeWhy should the decision on his parents care rest with her? If I were him, I’d have a stern talk with his parents. It is unfair to expect an entire family to uproot their lives, sell their home, leave other friends & family, move kids from schools etc. They are the ones making the sacrifice. There are doctors on the East Coast that they can see. I see no reason why everything should be turned upside down for the parents. They are trying to take care of them!
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LikeDislikeThe decision rests with her? He might be a successful military man, but he’s a coward as a husband. He’s clearly already made the decision & wants to pile on as much guilt as possible on her because she doesn’t agree. Moving East to West in my opinion is not the option merely from the financial perspective. It’s much more expensive on the West Coast. If his parents are still able to protest relocating to the East, then perhaps they aren’t as bad off as he thinks they are. Maybe they’re not ready to be coddled into old age. If they need assistance & won’t relocate East, then look for an assisted living center where they are. She must really like her in-laws to even be considering it this much because there is NO WAY I would relocate to where my in-laws live to take care of them.
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LikeDislikeThis is a common dilemma. Parents get sick. She should pray hard and if she feels led by the Lord, make the move. It’s my experience with Military families that they have a special ability for making friends, so in a year, they probably will be back where they are in the new place–friends and stability. And it sounds like her husband won’t be moving her again if he has any way not to so probably the next move will be the last move.
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LikeDislikeI know what she should not do, and that is she should not move.
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LikeDislikeAgatha and her family should stay put. Children need roots and should be their number one priority as parents.
If I were in Agatha’s shoes I would suggest an assisted living facility for my in laws. In these senior communities there is 24 hour medical care, housekeeping, dietary services, and social outlets for residents. Plus the couple can still live within the privacy of their own home. They also provide transportation to and from doctors visits. This also buys Agatha and her husband response time, in case of an emergency.
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LikeDislikeI have to say I think you gave the best answer.
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LikeDislikeThank you Patrick.
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LikeDislikeI think she should go. By marrying him they became her family her parents as well and it is only right. Family comes first and through helping others she will establish herself and make friends in the new community as well.
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