My Question of the Day for 14 July 2010 – UPDATED
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My Question of the Day: For the first time in many years, Ada’s family has all agreed to have their family reunion in her hometown. Because she had been pushing for this for years, she even volunteered to spearhead all the arrangements.
Ada is handling everything for the family reunion without incident, and then her teenage son, Marcus, gets into trouble with the law. While visiting a friend he’s not supposed to be seeing anymore because of trouble in the past, they take a joy ride in the friend’s father’s car, and the boys rear-end a city work truck. Neither boy has a license, or even a permit, to drive. Marcus calls Ada on her cell phone, and she shows up at the scene of the accident relieved that Marcus is fine but livid that he’s gotten himself in such a mess. Instead of causing a scene on the spot, Ada waits until she gets Marcus home and then she lays into him.
On top of dealing with work and the family reunion preparations, Ada is constantly having to deal with Marcus’ bad behavior. It’s one thing after another, and she’s at the end of her rope. She wants to pull out of organizing the family reunion, but the event is close at hand and many people are counting on her to come through for the family.
Marcus knows his mother very, very well, and the one thing he knows she abhors is public scenes that draw attention to her and her troubles with her son. He acts his worse when they’re around other family members, because he knows she won’t yell or fuss at him, and he can get away with his antics until they get behind closed doors.
The weekend of the family reunion comes and everything is set. Friday and Saturday go smoothly, and Ada is surprised that Marcus is so well-behaved and so helpful. She even dances with him a few times at the family formal dinner and hugs and thanks him for behaving so well.
The final event of the reunion weekend is the family cookout on Sunday. It’s a beautiful day, everyone is enjoying themselves, and Ada is breathing easy because the events are almost done, there were no major disasters and everyone has had an awesome time. She leans back in her folding chair and pans the crowd of family with a smile on her face.
As she focuses on the group of people walking up to the gathering from her left, her smile fades to a deep frown. The boy who Marcus isn’t supposed to be hanging around, and two other boys who Ada knows just got back from juvenile detention, are walking towards Marcus, who is walking towards them with a huge grin on his face and fist-bumps to indicate Marcus knew they were going to show up. Ada is livid, but she doesn’t want to cause a scene. She, also, doesn’t want these boys at her family gathering, and she can’t believe Marcus would invite them.
What do you think Ada should do about this?
My 2 Cents: Ada should tell the other boys that they’ll have to go, and then she should deal with her son. She doesn’t have to cause a scene, but she has to be a parent and figure out ways to deal with Marcus’ obvious sabotage.
I’m not saying it would be easy, but I do believe the solution is simple. Ada is going to have to be creative and find a way to get Marcus on the right track. She’s starting very late, but it’s not impossible to help her son. She’s got to find a way, and pretending to everyone else that he’s not misbehaving isn’t the answer.
There has to be a paradigm shift in their relationship where she establishes herself as the person in charge. Right now, he’s running circles around her. Not good.
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Sheri has it right. This problem didn’t just start. Forget about the whole build up in today’s question about the family reunion. The boy is trouble and has been for some time. Unless Ada experiences some close to a miracle her sone is going to becomes the state’s responsible for the remainder of his existence. Not to worry though, she’ll be allowed to visit him.
Note: I said “existence” instead of “life” because free meals that come complete with a jail cell isn’t much of either.
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LikeDislikeIn a perfect situation, Ada would’ve been less … touchy towards public encounters during previous situations. If she was, Marcus may not have been able to use her weakness of public scenes to his advantage.
However, she was not – so Marcus has used her weakness in his advantage. Ada must take control of her own child, and tell his friends to leave. If they object or Marcus objects, assert they can all leave – including Marcus.
While this may be incredibly difficult for Ada, it may be the shock treatment, Marcus needs.
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LikeDislikeI purposely avoided the previous comments, had to speak from my heart. If my girl ever tried some nonsense like that, she’d need more than Aunt Susie to protect her from my reaction. For one, the repeated defiance and disregard for my wishes would not be acceptable. Furthermore, the smirks and fist bumps would have me walking over and grabbing that ear, that shirt, those pants and embarrassing this child. No matter how grown you think you are, as long as you’re in my house you abide by my rules. Can’t handle it? Call somebody and make arrangements to get out. Do not pack anything I paid for. Just get out.
I realize my response seems harsh and perhaps even unnecessary. Now take a moment to think: what are the odds this child would ever step out of line after seeing Mom go of ONE GOOD TIME?
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LikeDislikeSuck it up and be a parent. Tell the kids to leave. Deal with Marcus just as she should have done for the last 15 years.
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LikeDislikeStop trying to act like her kid is perfect around her family (that she probably won’t see for another year) and lay into that boy’s behind cuz he SERIOUSLY knows better! And if her family can’t accept the fact that this one time she’s going to discipline her son in front of them and others, then that’s on them. She should definitely be aware of the fact that IF her kid ends up in juvie next to his “friends” ALL his discipline will be VERY open and no one is going to care all that much.
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LikeDislikeAda should get up and tell Marcus to bid his friends adieu. That’s it, pure and simple. If her son chose to make a scene, so be it. He’s HER child and since when is it NOT appropriate to discipline your children. Surely there’s at least one big momma at the reunion that would back Ada up if she needed it.
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LikeDislikeI would politely ask his friends to leave. If they refuse I would give them 5 minutes before I call the police. They are not welcome and Marcus should not have invited him. I would calmly tell Marcus to stop his shenanigans or I WILL go into him in front of everyone at the family reunion.
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LikeDislikeI would be livid and I would yell at Marcus for disobeying me in the first place, causing him to feel uncomfortable in front of his friends. i then would offer the boys some food and play the role of a good hostess. However, once the party was over and the “fun” was had Marcus would be removed of all his privileges – no car, no tv, no extra treats.
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LikeDislikePretty much no possibility I would be in this situation. I would not bail my kids out of anything they got themselves into because I know I already taught them better. I couldn’t care less about creating a scene. Those watching the scene are of no consequence to me. Even family. A child that old is also big enough to kick in the chest, which is what I’d be doing to Marcus after I sent his little friends away.
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LikeDislikeIf I were Ada, I’d tell Marcus he has 5 minutes to get those people off the premises. If he refused, I’d calmly go inside and call the cops. That way, the cops can create the scene, not me. But frankly I can’t imagine being in that position because I would not let a child basically blackmail me in that way in the first place. All you have to do is go ahead and let the scene happen once and he’d never try that tactic again. That’s what you do with blackmailers; you take away their leverage…
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