My Question of the Day for 14 June 2010 – UPDATED
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My Question of the Day: You have two siblings. You’re very close to one, but you’re not so close to the other one. This is because the sibling whom you’re not close to is very, very hard to get along with, and s/he has always resented the sibling to whom you are very close because it seems to the difficult sibling that everyone favors the other sibling more. You and your favorite sibling have tried very hard to get along with your difficult sibling, but anything you all ever plan together ends up falling apart in a disastrous meltdown by the difficult sibling accusing both of you and everyone else in the family of being against him/her at every turn.
It just so happens that the difficult sibling is turning 50 on his/her next birthday, and s/he is expecting the entire family to throw him/her a big 50th birthday bash, even though s/he hasn’t been speaking to or interacting with anyone in the family for several months because of his/her meltdown and accusations at the last family function. What’s interesting is that your favorite sibling also has a birthday the same month as the difficult sibling, which actually occurs about three days before your difficult sibling’s birthday, but your difficult sibling has made no mention whatsoever of the other sibling’s birthday.
In the past, the family has always celebrated the two birthdays together, because the dates of birth are so close together, but as stated before the difficult sibling always causes a huge scene, gets everyone upset and flustered and then spends months not speaking to anyone in the family because of his/her theory that everyone is against him/her. What you’d like to do is just have a quiet, unannounced birthday party for your favorite sibling on his/her birth date and invite your family members who can keep it secret. You do realize that your other sibling is celebrating a milestone in his/her life and if s/he finds out about the secret party, then it will only add fuel to the difficult sibling’s fire that the family is against him/her. It’s not that you all are against him/her. You’re just tired of all the drama and stress that is caused by the difficult sibling, but you know s/he won’t see it that way.
What do you do?
My 2 Cents: I don’t believe in rewarding bad behavior, no matter if it’s family or not. I would not be planning a 50th birthday bash for my difficult sibling. I, also, wouldn’t have a secret party for my favorite sibling. I’d have the party for my favorite sibling and let everyone, including the difficult sibling, know about it. Everyone in the family would be welcome at the party for my favorite sibling. I wouldn’t exclude anyone, but I’d make it real clear before the day of the party that no one will be staying who can’t be pleasant and get along with others. The minute anyone started causing a scene, I would have folks on standby to maneuver those individuals right on out the door, so we can keep having our good time.
If my difficult sibling wants to throw her own 50th birthday bash, and she invites me, I’ll go and try to have a good time. I’ll even give her a gift. I won’t pretend like nothing’s happened and she deserves for me to go out of my way to plan a party for her.
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To be honest I’d be annoyed with the difficult sibling but I wouldn’t just NOT invite him. I’d invite him and sternly inform him that just like we’ll be respectful at his milestone bash he needs to leave the drama at home for the other sibling’s birthday. I don’t think it would be wise to ostracize him from the family get together as he will only harbor more ill will and after difficult or not he’s a sibling and part of the family!
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LikeDislikeI don’t have the time in my life to waste it tip-toeing around anyone. By 50, I’m sure I have given this person all the chances I could. Hope they have a blast at their b’day. I’ll text them at midnight.
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LikeDislikeSounds like something similar in my life. I won’t go too much into detail, but I can relate.
So, here’s what I would do:
The sibling that’s been acting up needs help. 50 years is a long time and maybe if there isn’t a party, that sibling might do one of two things: Realized what they done or “business as usual”. The party I throw for my favorite sibling will go as planned.
However, a few days before the other siblings birthday, I’ll just write them a letter, explaining that I wanted to throw them a party and that 50 years is a long time to have petty beef. I’ll tell them to come to my place for some dinner and see how this person will be. I’ll show a bit of compassion, but also a bit of expected disappointment. It’s one of those “you reap what you sow” moments and I feel that at least trying to reconnect would be a good thing to do.
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LikeDislikethis sounds like a familiar scenario. i get along well with my oldest sister, but not that close to the sister closest to me. i’m the youngest sister and always felt like a bit of a runt. there is rivalry underneath all family squabbles left unresolved for years.
in the scenario posed above, i agree with md20737. 50 is a milestone. if they have not learned or at least attempted to resolved issues BEFORE expecting a huge party (especially after treating everyone like peasants), then chances are that sibling will continue to be disappointed. either he/she will get with the program or just find a new “family” that will put up with the drama. a family can only take so much and family is NOT obligated to shell out for ingrates. after trying to appease and compromise only to be dismissed with “that is not good enough,” a person just gives up. so in my opinion, in THIS case, i would continue to be ME in this situation. i would do what i would normally do for both. invite them or have a dinner with close friends. that is MY gift to BOTH. if there is static from one about what i wanted to give, then i take that money and time and give it to myself. time is too short. and that’s a bullying tactic and power tool to cause that much grief. i would not do anything more than what i would want to do for my siblings. if that is not enough, then that’s on that sibling.
be grateful that you have a family and have opportunities to just get along and grow. like my father used to tell my younger brother and me: “you don’t have to make love to the person every time you see them. but you can be cordial and speak.” if that’s too much, then have a nice life. i love you, call me or i’ll be there in a crisis, but i really do not have to include you if you will bring drama every time…
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LikeDislikeOK, here goes… I’m from the school of: family & friends/one boat.. Here’s what I mean by that. If I have a family member, I don’t like, I wouldn’t treat them any different than I would a friend, to whom I’ve had a disagreement with & no longer care for their behavior. I’m not going out of my way for either of these people. If you display disgusting behavior, you should be treated, accordingly. Blood running thru the vain doesn’t buy you a ticket to bad behavior. It is unacceptable, period. Therefore the 50 y/o child would get nothing from me. I don’t do favoritism on any level. Throw a Party for the well behaved sibling & tell the attention getter, she’s welcome to attend. Pow! Be done with it.
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LikeDislikeI’d invite the favorite sibling over for dinner that just happens to fall on or around that sibling’s birthday. Don’t have a party just have them over for dinner.
As for the other sibling, I am sure we’d have some form of get together, but not anything amazing, a family BBQ or some such gathering.
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LikeDislikeThe sibling who is turning 50 is “expecting” a big party…hope they expect someone to throw it. I wouldn’t bother. Who needs this drama. Better yet, who’d want this drama. Not I so I would avoid this situation altogether. Seriously, what’s the worst that could happen, the one sibling barely speaks to you anyway and I doubt they’d appreciate any efforts you would make at throwing them a 50th birthday party unlike the other sibling. Avoid the drama and send them a gift and a card.
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LikeDislikeThrow the sibling I’m closest to a party.. Disregard the other sibling if they haven’t learned how to act in 50 years then whatever.. This sounds like the disputes we have in my family lol
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