My Question of the Day for 22 March 2010 – UPDATED
My Question of the Day: Blended families have become more and more common over the years. One of the biggest questions children have is what to call their new stepparent. Should you require your child(ren) to call his/her/their new stepparent “mom” or “dad”?
(this question was submitted by @rahsheen; thanks!)
My 2 Cents: I’ve often thought about this as a single person with no child(ren) who might marry a man who has a child/children. I would not want my spouse to force his child(ren) to call me mom, but I don’t want to be called a stepmom when he/she/they is/are speaking of me. I hope that my husband’s child(ren) love and respect me enough to refer to me as his/her/their godmother, as I would definitely make every effort to treat him/her/them like my own flesh and blood, and if something (God forbid) unfortunate happened to his/her/their biological mother, my spouse’s child(ren) would be welcomed into our home without hesitation or question.
As for what he/she/they would address me as when speaking to me, I would want him/her/them to call me by an appropriate name with which he/she/they are comfortable.
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Take a few moments to check out the tweets from Twitter on this subject:
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LilMrsPerfect2u should b left up 2 the child, however Mr or Ms. Shld b used @ all times. Chldrn shldnt b allwd 2 call adults by their 1st names.
JoshDamage I’d sit my spouse and child down and we wud figure out what we were gonna use. Mommy I think wud be reserved for the real mom
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The commentary doesn’t have to end!
Please feel free to continue to add your comments below.
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I think it should be left up to the child and whatever they're comfortable with. Having the parent marry someone else will be enough of a shock to the child. Don't force them to call this person mom or dad.
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LikeDislikeI would say no. I had a stepdad and I was so resentful of him that we fought for about 15 years of my life. Once I went to college and came back we were magically best friends. I guess I matured over time. But if I had to call him dad I would have died. I wouldnt make my child call the parent mom or dad, that would be their choice. You never know how a kid will react to the seperation of parents.
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LikeDislikeI'm a stepmom & that was by far the most awkward thing I've dealt with as a stepparent. Hubby & I started dating when his daughter was 5 & I remember the day she asked if she could call me 'mommy'. I told her that God only gives us one 'mommy' & mommies are very special & suggested we come up with another word since she already had a mommy. I didn't want her to call me by my 1st name, as that seemed inappropriate, & didn't think her mom would take too kindly to her daughter calling me 'mommy', but I was clueless. She created “ToMama” & I have been her “Tomama” for over 10 years now & she's my 'baby girl'.
That said, I was a stepchild. We immed. called my stepdad 'dad', as my father was not active in our lives & my stepdad was/is our 'dad'. Ironically, I was about the same age as my 'baby girl' when my mom remarried. After I became a 'mommy' and wanted my children to know all three sides of their family [grandma, granddad & other granddad] I sought a relationship with my father & now I have two 'dads'. It was probably awkward for my stepfather if anything, but being a stepparent, I could related.
I don't feel one should “require” a child to call a new parent “mom” or “dad”, the child will know when it's right.
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LikeDislikeNo…I would never require my child to call another man “dad”…That man might become a major part of my child's life, but I'm sorry, she already has a father and a daddy–He is the SAME man. I would definitely hate to have my child call some other woman “momma” for sure.
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LikeDislikeI couldn't have stated it better myself Rahsheen!
My take is that there is nothing wrong with simply calling the new step parent “friend” and introducing each other as such as well. It doesn't force any relationship and creates a familiar path in which to go down; we've all had experience in making friends.
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LikeDislikeThat sounds like a recipe for disaster because 1) kids will probably feel disloyal to their non-custodial parent, and 2) they may not feel that kind of closeness with the step-parent. Better to let them choose for themselves.
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LikeDislikeAbsolutely not. It's definitely the child's decision. It's about what the kid is comfortable with. Any other course of action will result in resentment and stunt the growth of the stepparent+child relationship.
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