My Question of the Day for 03 March 2010 – UPDATED
My Question of the Day: Your second-grader gets suspended from school for saying something totally vulgar and inappropriate to his/her classmates within earshot of a teacher. You are livid about the suspension and about your child’s vulgar and inappropriate language. When you get your child home, and after you’ve calmed down a bit, you ask your child what on earth possessed him/her to say such a thing. He/she looks at your with a bit of confusion and says, “I heard you saying that to so-and-so on the phone. I didn’t know it was bad.” What do you do?
(this question was inspired by @JoshDamage; thanks)
My 2 Cents: I can’t hold my second-grader responsible for something he/she didn’t know was wrong, but I would sit down with him/her and explain why he/she was wrong and tell him/her what the consequences will be if he/she ever does it again.
Children are sponges. We forget that, or we think/say, “He/she doesn’t know what I’m talking about.” Children don’t have to know what you’re talking about to parrot your words. Even if they don’t know what you’re talking about, it’s still a good idea to refrain from saying anything around them that you don’t want them to repeat.
Better yet, we should probably refrain from saying anything, period, that we can’t say around our children. It couldn’t hurt.
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Take a few moments to check out the tweets from Twitter on this subject:
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Inkognegro my second grader knows EXACTLY what to say and what not to say. Hed get popped in the mouth for trying to play me.
LadyInfamous I don’t have any kids, but if I did and that happened to me I would say, “baby don’t talk like that at school, only around me.” is that bad? idk lol I would want my kids to express themselves I don’t want any stressed out children living with me lol
JoshDamage I give the child a pass and watch what I say around the child in the future. But I make sure they knew words like that ARE BAD.
jodercorrer It depends on what was said. I might explain that context is important. What is said at home, may not be what we say in public. If it was REALLY bad I would say I made a mistake & that he just copied me & I learned something & we would both do better.
Starfiire58 u apologize to ur child & explain to the school it was ur fault and beg 4 them to give ur child another chance.
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The commentary doesn’t have to end!
Please feel free to continue to add your comments below.
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I would do take the 3 step plan. 1. Apologize 2. explain why language like this is inappropriate and say that I was wrong to do that and am not proud of myself, 3. have him/her write a note of apology to his/her teacher so that he/she gets a better handle on the situation and also teach them to take responsibility for his/her actions.
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LikeDislikeWow… I will take a deep breath and then explain to the child that sometimes adults say things that are not ok for kids to repeat and will try to find an explanation as to why I said that. But that it is not okay for him to say it….I think it would be appropriate to give the teacher an explanation as to why the kid said that…. Next time I should just avoid saying certain things in front of the kid….adults should really practice what they preach!
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LikeDislikeI tell my child that I understand why they said it. But Mommy should not have said the word either. Mommy got in trouble a different way for saying the word. Grownups say things sometimes that they shouldn't say. This is one of biggest issues as a parent. When I grew up when I emulated something my parents did I got in trouble. But the best way to provide an example to your child is to live what you say. Its not “Do as I say not as I do”. Its “Do as I do”. Kids are like sponges when it comes to soaking up your actions. I've seen my kids do something that they've seen me do and immediately regretted it. I'm learning and trying to be a better parent every day.
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LikeDislikeFar too often adults react as…dare I say (gulp) ADULTS and judge children through our own eyes; forgetting what it was like to be 7. Its funny you ask this question only a day after my 13 year old was taken to the dean for “being disrespectful” for asking her science teacher “what are you talking about” when she didn't know what the teacher was talking about. Oh the horror. I didn't react like a 44 year old, I asked her if she knew why her response was viewed as being disrespectful. She did not and quite frankly neither did I. How would you ask someone what they are talking about if you don't know? I think it would have been disrespectful to nod in agreement with the “sure, whatever you say”. Sigh. Back to the question, I would simply explain to the child what the word is, why I used it, how I used it and that it is an inappropriate word for children to use. I would then apologize to my child for using the word in their presence and instruct them not to use it again.
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LikeDislikeThis is not a big deal. Don't over react, afterall, the child got the language from you. First apologize to the child. Yes apologize, adults make mistakes and you got them in trouble. They didn't know what they said was wrong and they are probably not clear why they are in trouble to begin with. Secondly, calmly explain that what they heard is inappropriate and not to be repeated, ever. Next, as the parent it is your job to watch the conversations kept around young impressionable children. Anything you don't wanted repeated or re-inacted, don't do in front of a child. Parenting 101.
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LikeDislikeI was in a similar situation. I was in the car cussing about some cutting me off & called them some things in anger. My son was with me, but I temporarily forget he was there because I was so mad. One day in his anger he repeated those same words to me I said in the car. I was floored. I never acted like that again. I also limit what the kind of language he is exposed to. He is learning constantly, so I have to be aware 24/7 of what he is soaking up.
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LikeDislikeI believe that any leader will gain more love and respect from his/her followers if they lead by example. It has always been my personal parenting theology as well. I believe it should be done in any leadership position from the White House to the home of every individual.
The parent should not only explain to the child the error committed as well as the consequences.. but the parent should also display that they submit themselves to that same law, since it was the fault of the parent after all.
It is and has always been my personal belief that if more parents eliminated the “do as I say, not as I do” mentality and conducted their lives as they would expect their children to, then the world would be a different place, would it not? But that is in a perfect world, so all I can do is commit to that in my own life and pray that it works with my son.
If it is one thing that I know to be true is that your children will do what they see you do… not what you tell them they should do! If you do not practice what you preach, then your child will grow up doing what they have watched you do.. and figure that it was okay for you so it will be okay for them as well.
Just my humble opinion….
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LikeDislikeI did the same as a child. Used a word I had overheard against a girl in my class without realizing the meaning of the word. I was yanked from the classroom, scolded by the teacher, treated like I was evil by the assistant principal and sent home with my parents. They talked to me and realized that I has simply repeated a word and educated me on how wrong that word was. I still remember the school overreacting and how horrible I felt that day. I also never used that word again.
My school should have practiced a little restraint before judging me, but after my parents explained that I did not understand the word they calmed down and let me in. I was, however, almost jumped at the skating rink by the girl's friends but I was quick with some skates.
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LikeDislikeI forgot one thing…my son and talked about this “lesson” the other day ( and some others..)…the most important thing he learned he said..was that we need to be allowed to make mistakes….and if we make them to be able to talk about them…and yes sometimes laugh about them….and never be ashamed of them….
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LikeDislike#confessions …Building a sandbox with my son..when he was four…Mommy hit her thumb with a hammer…and yes said THE word…the one that sounds cute ..like “Duck”….and my son thought it was a hoot…as he hammered with his little hammer he would say….bang=bang====K…and giggle….I didn't think anything of it…within days…I had to have “chat” at the coop..and with a neighbor…but it was also a lesson on Sense of Humor…and Tolerance and appreciating how quickly our children pick up language…My son is a teenager now..but he remembers learning to hammer…
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